The Dog With a Backpack

Today I saw a dog with a backpack. It was a Jack Russell and the backpack was blue gingham. I wonder what he had in it? Doggy treats? Plastic poop bags? His wallet? He didn't seem to mind having a backpack. He seemed pretty happy, actually. I think he quite liked it. He was doing a big doggy smile. It's funny how we attribute animals with human emotions. Dolphins are laughing, chimps are grinning, blobfish are morose and sharks are completely gormless. In reality, there is little correlation between the way their mouth looks and their emotions, unlike us humans. We do it with cars too. I do, anyway. Have you ever seen a Peugeot 107? Happy as Larry. And houses. Once I saw a house that looked so sad I nearly cried looking at it.

But in my head the dog liked his backpack. It was useful. I imagined him trotting into a pet shop, slipping off his backpack and nosing around in it, looking for spare change. Then bounding out with his purchases (a pig's ear and a string of squeaky plastic sausages).

Other dogs could have different bags. Greyhounds could have those sports bags made for running in, with those special water bottles with little tubes to drink from. Chihuahuas would have Louis Vutton rucksacks and St Bernards would swap their wooden barrels for big old hiking packs. Imagine how excellent a Weimaraner would look with a khaki army haversack! And a Scottie would look superb with a tiny leather satchel. They could carry all their toys and bones and a spare lead, a bottle of water and some dog food. Perhaps a doggy brush, or a coat in case it got cold. Maybe the owners could profit too; pop their shopping in it so their doggy friend could help them when things got a bit heavy. Or keep their valuables there for safe keeping. Has anyone ever tried to mug a dog? Probably not. Dogs probably don't get stopped and searched either, so you could stash your cocaine in your poodle's purse and no one would be the wiser. When the sniffer dogs went wild the policemen would just think your dog was on heat or something. "Nice backpack", they would say. "Maybe we should get one for Hans over here. Keep some doughnuts in it."

So really, if all dogs had backpacks, the world would be a better place. Let's start a doggy backpack revolution. Only, don't even attempt to put one on your cat. Unless you want the skin flayed from your forearms. Besides, they'd only use them to keep dead mice in.