Fanny Levoisier et L'Avocat

Fanny Levoisier was the only daughter of Aurélie and Guillaume Levoisier, a nice old couple who lived in a small village in the French countryside. They owned a large apple orchard, from which Guillaume produced cider, and several beehives, from which Aurélie collected honey. They were relatively wealthy, and the Levoisiers were both well-liked and well-respected in the surrounding areas. Guillaume, though comfortably into his 60's, was a broad and handsome man, whilst his wife, though increasingly on the plump side, possessed a rich, ruddy beauty for which she was still very much admired. Both possessed a keen wit, and were renowned for the enjoyable soirées they held for their friends and neighbours.

Fanny Levoisier, on the other hand, was a useless oaf. Utterly simple, to the point of being really rather stupid; utterly plain, to the point of being really quite ugly. Since childhood, she had been disliked by her peers for her bad manners and lack of social intelligence (not to mention her massive turnip-face). Her parents despaired of her; they had cherished her, smothered her with love, never once neglected her, done everything they could for her, given all they had for her. But in spite of this, she was an irredeemably awful lump, utterly unlikeable, let alone lovable. She spent her days killing bugs in the garden and throwing faeces at goats. (They once had chickens, but she would stamp on the eggs with her big flat feet, just to infuriate her poor Maman.)The Levoisiers had long since given up on this unfortunately awful girl, and had sent her off to the city to finishing school at great expense to themselves but, equally, great relief.

Eventually (after a week) the school expelled her, and Fanny was sent to live with a rich old Aunt in the city, who was rather senile and therefore barely registered her presence. Whilst Aurélie still shed the odd tear over her horrible daughter, the Levoisiers, it must be said, had a much more peaceful existence without her. They hoped the best for her, really they did, but at the end of the day, deep down and unspoken, was the fact that they were happier in her absence.

One day, after a long and peaceful Fanny-less period, the Levoisiers received a letter from their estranged daughter. It read:

Dear Mama et Papa,


I am to be married in the Springtime to a rich, dark and handsome gentleman. He is un avocat, and I love him very much.


Your daughter, 
Fanny.


Well! said Guillaume. Well! said Aurélie. It was settled; she was off their hands for good. But un avocat! A lawyer! How could such an ugly, stupid, unlovable girl like Fanny every marry a lawyer? They were considerably bemused but chose not to think too carefully about the matter. They were happy to live in ignorance. Guillaume scrutinised his daughter's scruffy, childlike hand, sighing quietly. Then he noticed the following:

P.S. I'm bringing him to meet you next weekend.


Guillaume sighed again, more audibly this time, but Aurélie was thrilled and began wringing her hands with excitement.

A week later and Aurélie had laid the table beautifully ready for Fanny and l'Avocat's arrival. She was very nervous, but still extremely pleased that her heinous daughter had found happiness at last, and with an avocat, of all people! A lawyer!

When Fanny turned up at the door, her father, who had been spying through the curtain as she walked up the path, turned to his wife with a rather puzzled look. Fanny appeared to be completely alone. Aurélie answered the door to her daughter, nonetheless, and embraced her warmly (Fanny remained rather stiff). "Where's the avocat then?" she asked, beaming, though slightly nervously, for there was no man in sight.

"He's here, silly!" blurted Fanny, and thrust out her hand, in which she held un avocat. Slightly squashed, but dark, rich, and handsome, as her letter had described. Un avocat. Not a lawyer, mind. An avocado. She brought it to her lips and planted a big sloppy kiss on its bumpy surface.

Her mother fainted.
Her father just sighed. He had expected as much