Moby Dick

Once there were some islands in funny shapes at the edge of a big salty ocean. One was shaped a bit like a mutant teddy bear and the other one was smaller and looked a bit like a piece of felt cut into the shape of Ireland. The people who lived there were really hungry because they only had food like dead animals and ground up grass seeds mixed with water then cooked in a fire and rancid milk from the dead animals, too.  But before they did a die. Sounds disgusting but that's totally what a peperoni pizza is made out of so there, guys. But they had no pizza, because they hadn't invented tomatoes yet. Or pizza cutters. Imagine that!

So they were all really hungry. There wasn't enough nice stuff to eat on their islands, or on the big continent next door where they ate things like frogs and currywurst. The people from the mutant-teddy shaped island decided that they needed to go across the big salty ocean to see if there was anything nice to eat over there. But they were scared of the Spanny Sharmader so they didn't want to go by boat, and none of them could swim because water-wings weren't invented yet, neither were goggles. So they sked a whale to go and get them some food from across the big salty ocean.

The whale's name was Walter Raleigh. He was white with very small eyes, and would have weighed more than ten double-decker buses, but they hadn't invented those yet. Only single deckers. Anyway, Walter the Whale swam across the ocean to get some food for the people in the island shaped like a mutant teddy bear. Then he reached this country that people thought was America but was actually India, and then he was like "Yo, homeboys, ya got any good food?" and they were all like "nah, Taco Bell hasn't been invented yet. Try further south!"

So Walter Raleigh swam down the coast a bit and got to South India and asked the South Indians if they had anything to eat. They gave him a whole bunch of lumpy brown mud-covered ovoids. They looked really disgusting but the people from the islands didn't have much taste. So he put all the muddy ovoids in his big whale mouth and started swimming across the ocean.

Meanwhile, the people from the island shaped like a piece of felt shaped like Ireland decided they needed to go across the ocean, too. They weren't scared of the Spanny Sharmarder so they sent a ship to go and get food. The captain of the ship was called Moby Dick. And he sailed across the big salty ocean to go and get some munch.

On his way there, he bumped into a big white whale. He was angry because it hurts to bump into a ship. Walter Raleigh was like, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, DOOFUS and Moby Dick was like WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? And Walter Raleigh said, CALL ME FISHMAEL, BIATCH.
Moby Dick got mad because his boat was a bit scratched so he stabbed Walter with a big harpoon and Walter spit out all of the muddy ovoids onto the boat. Moby Dick was like sweet, I'll just take these back to the people of the island shaped like a piece of felt shaped like Ireland, they'll never know.

So he did, and the people of that land enjoyed eating those muddy ovoids in a variety of different ways. The mutant teddy bear islanders got really mad because Walter Raleigh was dead so they started a war with the other island and gave the muddy ovoids a special disease so everyone starved. But now it's okay because carbombs and forgiveness.

And that is the story of how Moby Dick brought potatoes to Ireland.
(Based on a true story - Source: Christina Murphy 2012)