So Shellfish

"Who would win a fight between a lobster and a tortoise?"
"The lobster. The lobster could totally pinch the tortoise with his pincers and make him cry."
"But what if the tortoise went back into his shell? Then the Lobster couldn't pinch him."
"But then the tortoise still wouldn't win, because he'd just be sitting there in his shell. He'd have surrendered, effectively."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"But the tortoise could stick his head out and bite the lobster."
"Bite him where?"
"Bite his pincer off."
"Bite his pincer off?"
"Yeah."
"But then the lobster could pick up a ladle in his other pincer and bash the tortoise on the head with it."
"A ladle?"
"Yeah."
"Nah, the tortoise put his head back in his shell too fast."
"Ok fine. But then the lobster could just bash the tortoise's shell until it cracks."
"Until it CRACKS? Tortoise shells are way harder than that. It would take ages"
"Yeah well the lobster's got a lot of time on his hands!"
"Well the tortoise would just swim away then. They're way faster than lobsters."
"No! Tortoises can't swim!"
"Yeah they can!"
"No, that's turtles."
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah you're right. Well still. There's no way way a lobster could crack a tortoise's shell with a ladle. It probably couldn't pick up a ladle."
"Yeah it could. And it could probably pick up a gun, too, and shoot the tortoise in the face."
"WHAT! No that's not fair!"
"The lobster doesn't care about fair. He just wants to kill the tortoise. That's all he cares about."
"Why does he even want to kill him in the first place?"
"The tortoise slept with his wife."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well the tortoise deserves it then, I guess."
"Yeah!"
"But what if the lobster's wife wasn't happy. What if the lobster was beating her?"
"With a ladle?"
"Yeah!"
"Well then maybe the lobster could try and shoot the tortoise, but then the tortoise could deflect the bullet off its shell, and then push the lobster into a pan of boiling water, and waddle off slowly into the sunset with the lobster's wife."
"That sounds fair."
"Yeah."
"Then we could eat the lobster."
"Mate, you know I'm allergic to shellfish, why would you even suggest that? You're crazy."
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry."