Marvin the Crab

Once upon a time there was a crab named Marvin. He was small and orange and invertebrate, with big pincers and little legs. He had really small eyes which he was a bit self-conscious about but no one ever noticed - he usually wore ray-bans because he was cool like that, you know?  And he was a hermit crab, and because he was so cool he customized his shells with bits of coloured glass and plastic, and sometimes he didn’t even wear a shell, he wore a coke can or something funny like that. And he owned an under-the-sea tattoo shop called MARVIN’S TATTOO SHACK which wasn’t actually in a shack, it was in a small sunken fishing boat called ODYSSEUS but he crossed it out and wrote MARVIN’S TATTOO SHACK underneath.
 

All the coolest fish in the sea went to his tattoo shop when they wanted to get some sick ink done.  He was a pretty good tattoo artist, probably the best in the whole ocean but as if anyone could ever know that, the oceans well big and that. He had an assistant called Catfish Von D but no one really liked her ‘cos she was a mardy bint, so he just let her do stuff like tramp stamps and Chinese symbols and crap stuff. Like this one time, this starfish came in and wanted to get a tattoo of a star, and Catfish Von D thought it was like, all cool and metaphysical and ironic, but actually it was just because the starfish was a dumb slut.

When he first opened not really that many fish had tattoos, they were a bit scared of needles and their mummies told them tattoos were trashy. But then Benny the tiger shark got Marvin to do him an anchor on his dorsal fin and it made him look really badass so then everyone wanted one. Gary the Octopus got LOVE and HATE written on his tentacles.  Paul the sea slug got SLUG LYF on his back. One day a shoal of pilchards came in and all got LADS ON TOUR 2K11 on their tails because they were massive lads. Omar the blue whale got a massive heart on his flipper that said I LOVE MUM and no one even laughed at him because he’s the biggest mammal on planet earth even though he only eats krill and dudes named Jonah but that was totally an accident and he said sorry. Gavin the seal got a cross on his forehead because he was a neo-Nazi. Loads of dolphins came in and wanted lame stuff like butterflies and flowers so Marvin made Catfish Von D do it and she got all pissy because Marvin got to do Yakuza body tattoos on scary marlin and she only got to do girly gay stuff.

Anyway, one day these fishermen started noticing that all of the tuna they were catching had tattoos, like one of them had a picture of himself shaggin a sexy dolphin and underneath it said DOLPHIN FRIENDLY. The fishermen were like WTF is going on here man, and they sent a diver to investigate. And the diver found Marvin’s Tattoo Shack and was like NO WAIIIII!!1!  Then they got underwater film crews to come and see what was going on, and they interviewed Marvin and realised how cool he was, then MTV came and were like ‘YO MARVIN, have your own show on MTV!’

So Marvin the crab got his own MTV show called Underwater Ink and it was probably the best MTV show ever made, even better than Cribs. It was so popular that X-hibit saw it and invited Marvin onto Pimp My Ride and pimped his shell, and gave him plasma screens in it and stuff but they just broke when he went underwater so that was dumb.

Catfish Von D stayed on as his assistant but one day she got a bit full of herself and tried to make her own show but it was pretty banal and only starfish watched it because they’re dumb sluts.